Talking Like a Pirate

Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so let’s all talk like pirates: Arr, Hedge Fund Landlords. Arr, Student Loan Servicers. Arr, Developers.



Broadsides on the Plank

Ahoy mateys. Today be humpday, as well as International Talk Like a Pirate Day, and so your Captain thought he would share some broadsides that me parrot done brought me. So while we chow down on our hearty lunch n’ grog, let’s throw these overboard and see what sharks they attract. Aye.

Music: Wichita Lineman (Glen Campbell): “You Better Sit Down Kids”


Talking the Talk

Yar. Today be “Talk Like A Pirate Day”, and I can’t decide how to talk to me’ mates. Accordin’ to some landlubbers, I should be talking some swill called Somali. Yet, when I say “أفاست ، والكلاب لزج انتم.”, they look at me funny. Some other mates, seemingly “respectable gentlemen”, tell me that all the pirates be in some place called Warshington DC, and be speaking a bastarization of the Queen’s English. Now, mates, I can see pirates being bastards, but going into politics is far too beneath piratical behavior.

Arrr. Time for lunch. Me thinks I’ll have some arrrrrrrtichokes and grog.


‘Ta Daily Report

Me mates must have put something in me grog last nigt before I went to them thar services, fore I woke up this morning with a blasted headache. I followed the advice of the ships cutter, but what he gave me made it worse, and I ended up taking some witch doctor’s brew to put me to sleep. As a result, I slept through the morning birthday party for ‘da world. Arrrrrr. I shar enough hope they had grog and cake for everyone. I’m finally back from Davey Jones, but I’m not sure whether me head is fully back.

Aye, as for last eve’s ser’ice, the theme appeared t’ be community, with e’eryone emphasizin’ how ‘aluable the community o’ the temple is. Me couldn’t figure out the point, unless it was just t’ get people t’ keep up their memberships. Aye, it was intarstin’, though, t’ have the full congregation thar for a combined ser’ice. I think that worked well. Me did notice Rabbi Brown wasn’t on the bima — Me wonder if his contract changed due t’ the recession? Aye, me parrot concurs. This afternoon looks t’be calm, as I scrub the deck, make me rags a bit less filthy, and help my wench do some organizin’. A pence for an old man o’de sea?


Weekend News Chum

A few items noted over the weekend:

  • From the “It keeps going, and going, and going… Someone just blow the damn thing up!” Department: It is the 20th anniversary of the Engergizer Bunny. Introduced in 1989, it has become iconic, representing the ability to hang in there and keep going. The ad agency DDB Needham Worldwide Inc. came up with the idea of the drum-beating bunny. In a recent advertising-related study, 95% of respondents were aware of the bunny. has named it one of the top 10 advertising icons. And in 2006, the Oxford English Dictionary defined the Energizer Bunny as “a persistent or indefatigable person or phenomenon.” Icons that last that long are rare (but do exist).
  • From the “Go VTC Your Grandmother” Department: Do you know who the biggest users of webcams are? Grandparents. According to the NY Times, Video calling, long anticipated by science fiction, is filtering into everyday use. And two demographic groups not particularly known for being high-tech are among the earliest adopters: Toddlers and grandparents.
  • From the “Arrrr. Oyyyyy. Arrrr. Oyyyyy.” Department: The LA Times has an interesting book review: “Jewish Pirates of the Caribbean”. Yup, just like the conversos, there is another avenue used by folks fleeing the inquisition: piracy. Quite an interesting review, matey.
  • From the “From the Desert to the Sea…” Department: A generation from now, people will watch Mary Tyler Moore and not even get the joke of Ted Baxter. That’s because the notion of a high-paid lead anchor on the local news is going away. Across the country, local TV are facing an economic slump and a severe advertising downturn, they are cutting costs drastically…. and veteran anchors, with their expensive contracts, seem to be shouldering a disproportionate share of the cutbacks. When station managers are forced to make cuts, hefty anchor salaries are a tempting target. I remember the days of the long-time local anchors in Los Angeles, and the best we have left is Paul Moyers or Colleen Williams (which aren’t much). Our network anchors cut their teeth on local news (I remember Tom Brokaw as a local in LA), so I think this will be a loss.

As I said, just some random articles that caught my eye.


Arrrn’t all pirates just Chassidim?

Mates, this was stolen from cyan_blue. It was buried under the “X”:

Top Ten Halachic Questions for a Jewish Pirate

10. If you have a hook instead of a hand, which arm do you put tefillin on?

9. Does your treasure map show how far the eruv extends?

8. How long do you wait till after capturing a ship to put up a mezuzah in the cabin?

7. If Kalhua doesnt have a hashgacha, what rum do you make kiddush on?

6. Is owning a parrot assur cause it may cause you to speak lashon hora?

5. Do you take maaser on an unlocked treasure chest? Worse, what if there is chas v’shalom, chometz in there!?

4. Do you cover your eye patch with your hand when you say Shema?

3. Are you able to carry on the plank on shabbos? If your parrot is on your shoulder, is that carrying?

2. Is your pirate hat a zachor l’hamentashen? Can you wear a leather boot on your peg leg on Yom Kippur?

1. You have a wild beard, drink a lot, and always say “Ay-yay”: let’s face it: aren’t all pirates just Chassidim?