[Yesterday was Columbus Day, although today is the national holiday. As it is today that the banks are closed, it is all together fitting and appropriate to remind people why we do this… to give bankers 3-day weekends :-)]
In 1961, the humorist Stan Freberg issued Volume 1 of The United States of America, a musical telling of the founding of America through the Battle of Yorktown (Volume 2 goes through the end of World War I (“They’ll never be another war…”)). The first scene on Volume 1 relates the story of how the Indians discovered Columbus. As today is Columbus Day, I present a transcription of the scene:
NARR: 1492, Madrid. The Queen of Spain grants an audience COLUMBUS (CC): Allright, we’ll go over it once again. First QUEEN ISABELLA (QI): You say you’ll send for me, dahling, CC: Look, we’ve been all through this before. QI: I know, but really, you’re such a dreamer. You’ll go CC: I will not! QI: You’re such a charming boy, dahling. Why don’t you CC: I don’t want a Fiat agency! QI: Then why don’t you go to art school like your friend, CC: If Lenny wants to starve to death, that’s up to Lenny. ANNOUNCE: His Majesty, King Ferdinand. QI: (gasp) The King. QI: Good afternoon dear. How was the inquisition? Amusing? KING FERDINAND (KF): Dullsville. Same old… say, who’s KF: You mean old “round, round world”. (laughs). You and QI: Crazy? I’ll tell you how crazy. He’s a man with a CC & KF: (fruited) QI: Fruited. He holds these grieves to be self-evident, CC: Is that moving? Was that a great bit? CC: I didthey bought “The Price is Right” CC: Then I have your permission to sail? KF: Would you get out of here? (footsteps) Strange, he left (on ship) 1st Mate: Admiral Columbus, sir. The men are KF: I still can’t see what you needed three ships for? CC: Really? KF: Come over here and listen Crew: Rumble. Rumble. Rumble. Mutiny. Mutiny. Mutiny. CC: I see what you mean. I’ll jump up here on the rigging CC: Now hear this! This is the Admiral speaking. I know the KF: Who can blame them! The whole thing is madness! I don’t KF: I tell you the world is flat, and that’s that! CC: It’s a round, round world KF: Flat Flat world CC: Friend, Get hip KF: It’s a miracle if it is CC: Square, square king Crew: Yo, ho, ho and a Dramamine |
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CC: Round, round world It’s a round, round world I contend it’s round And it’s gonna be found When all the results are in It’s a round world now And it’s always been |
KF: All week long on a hardtack bun Brother, who said getting there is Half the fun (breath) Give up my throne for one Navy Bean No wonder I’m turning three shades of green How could I go on such a loony trip |
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CC: Get hip Would I climb aboard this ship If I didn’t have odds The earth was highly spherical |
Crew: Crazy kind of scheme It’s a cockamamy dream If we don’t sight land we’re gonna scream |
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KF: It’s a miracle if it is | ||
CC: Square, square crew You’re a square, square crew If you don’t believe |
Crew: Yo, ho, ho through the wind and rain There’s a typhoon coming up But where’s John Wayne? |
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CC: You’re gonna receive The shock of your salty lives When I take command in the name of… |
KF: I feel like a red witch Having a wake How much of the ocean bit do you think I can take Claim that land in the name of… |
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CC: Isabella and Ferdnand KF: Well, for all our sakes, I hope that… KF: What was that? CC: Quickly, hand me the glass. |
KF: Allright, allright, give the kid top billing. KF: Watch yourself Admiral. Natives. They may be CC: Yeah, I suppose. (pause) Well, my men and I were CC: No, no, what you’re holding in your hand. IC: You have a dream? IC: Hmmm. CC: Now right here would be a good location for the |
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CC: Round, round world It’s a newfound world And the land looks good Like a continent should Complete with a flag unfurled |
Indians: Yo, ho, ho and a buckskin sleeve Now the white man’s here I guess It’s time to leave But why go to war and fight like a jerk Perhaps we can pick up some kind of work In an Indian extravaganza Wyatt Earp or Bonanza |
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CC: Please don’t call us, we’ll call you |