This was sent to me by a friend.
Stereotypical? I think so, although some (but not all) do fit me. Especially the shopping one. But sports? Feh!
Tag: humor
Song Tempos and Tom Lehrer
Recently, I acquired a copy of “Too Many Songs by Tom Lehrer (with not enough drawings by Ronald Searle)“, which has the music to all of Tom Lehrer’s songs. In reading this, I noticed the tempo that Mr. Lehrer assigned to all the songs:
| The Irish Ballad…. | …Authentically | Be Prepared… | …Trustworthily, loyally, helpfully, friendlily, etc. |
|
| Fight Fiercely, Harvard!… | …Loyally | The Old Dope Peddler… | …Wistfully | |
| The Wild West is Where I Want To Be… |
…Westerly | I Wanna Go Back To Dixie… |
…A little too fast | |
| The Hunting Song… | …Blithely | I Hold Your Hand in Mine… | …Tenderly | |
| My Home Town… | …Nostalgically | When You Are Old and Grey… | …Liltingly | |
| The Wiener Schnitzel Waltz… | …Mit Schlag | Poisoning Pigeons in the Park… | …Vernally | |
| The Masochism Tango… | …Painstakingly | A Christmas Carol… | …Merrily | |
| The Elements… | …As Fast as Possible | Bright College Days… | …Adagio, con brio | |
| She’s My Girl… | …Torchily | In Old Mexico… | …Immoderato | |
| We Will All Go Together When We Go… |
…Eschatologically | So Long Mom… (A Song for World War III) |
…à la Cohan | |
| National Brotherhood Week… | …Fraternally | MLF Lullaby… | …Wiegenliedig | |
| The Folk Song Army… | …Earnestly | Smut… | …Pornissimo | |
| Send the Marines… | …alla collo di pelle | Pollution… | …Calypso | |
| Who’s Next… | …Disarmingly | Wernher von Braun… | …Gently | |
| I Got It From Agnes… | …Infectiously | Silent E… | …With ease | |
| L~Y | …Rapid-LY |
So what are the tempos of your favorite songs?
That’s a Pisser
I haven’t had much to say the last few days, so… a warning to those of you that pee in public.
The San Francisco Chronicle is reporting that a state appeals court has ruled that its a crime in California to urinate in a public place. The specific situation inolved a case in Berkeley where a police officer detained a man urinating in the parking lot of a closed restaurant, searched him, and found drugs. The question was whether he was committing a crime by peeing in public; if he was, the search was legal. The Court of Appeals panel turned to a 19th century state law that defines a public nuisance as an act that is “injurious to health, or is indecent, or offensive to the senses” and that interferes with “the comfortable enjoyment of life or property” by a community, or a neighborhood, or “any considerable number of persons.” In a more populated area, peeing in public “involves an interference with the public’s right to a ‘decent society’ and to the use of the streets.”
Note that the court upheld the illegality of the act only after denying the charge of littering, as litter is defined as “waste matter ordinarily carried on or about the person,” not within.
According to Presiding Justice J. Anthony Kline, “Urination on or near a busy commercial street interferes with the comfortable enjoyment of both life and property.” He went on to add “The sight and smell of urine are vile and offensive, and those who use the public streets and sidewalks cannot be freely subjected to such unpleasantness”.
The state court, however, ruled that the nuisance law might not apply to certain cases. Examples were given of someone with their eight-year-old urinating, or in a rural area.
The moral of the story: Be careful where you pee. Remember: It is a privilege to pee, and Confucius says: “One who cooks carrots and peas in the same pot is unsanitary.”
Hmmm. One wonders if it was a euphamism….
Accrording to Sports Illustrated, midway through the United States’ 8-6 win over Britain, a man wearing what appeared to be a strategically placed rubber chicken ran onto one of the covered sheets of ice not being used in that session. He danced around for a bit but never tried to approach any of the players.
Hmmm. A strategically placed rubber chicken.
I’ll leave it up to your imagination to come up with words for chickens. Then again, you could consult the thesaurus.
So Where Do I Get The Paperwork For A Human Head?
Bleh. Crazy day. Just typed up a 22 page memo that I spent all week investigating. So, whilst I switch gears again, a look at the news…
According to the San Francisco Chronicle, airport baggage screeners in Ft. Lauderdale found a human head with teeth, hair and skin in the luggage of a woman who said she intended to ward off evil spirits with it.
Now, here’s the line that really bothers me: She was charged with “smuggling a human head into the U.S. without proper documentation.”
The mind boggles.
Does this mean it is OK to smuggle a human head into the US with proper documentation? If so, where do you get it? At the body shop? If you have the paperwork, is it still smuggling?
I know, its Friday and I shouldn’t ask such questions.
National Gorilla Suit Day
I figure one more post was in order in honor of:
I’m also posting this in honor of the State of the Union address. I don’t think the speech would have been improved had President Bush worn a gorilla suit. However, it would have been more entertaining to watch. What do you think?
For both events today, the following song from Dirty Rotten Scoundels applies:
| Dress up a monkey in Armani, He may seem precocious and cute. Despite all that primpin’, You still got a chimp in a suit. Teach him the second Verse of “Swanee” Shprizt him ’til wet Dampen him well |
Take him to see Don Giovanni, Show him Cezanne’s lovely fruit, Teach him to cook from Escoffier’s book, He’s still a gorilla en croute You still got a chimp in a suit. So you’ve shaved off his fur, Give him a dandy little topper, And a cheap little hat! |
As for my earlier post, look here.
What Are You Wearing?
Whilst perusing my friends list while my tea cools, theferrett brought the following to my attention:
Today is National Gorilla Suit Day. National Gorilla Suit Day was invented by “Mad’s Maddest Artist” (i.e., the weirdest of all the cartoonists in Mad Magazine), Don Martin…and maybe also by E. Solomon Rosenblum, a writer who collaborated with him on the 1964 paperback book, Don Martin Bounces Back! To celebrate National Gorilla Suit Day, the tradition is to dress up in a gorilla suit and make a door-to-door trek around the neighborhood. But as Fester Bestertester noted, “Everybody knows it’s just a ploy by the gorilla suit companies to sell their products!”
Best. Blonde. Joke. Ever.
You know, I posted this last year, but it gets better in the retelling. This is the best blonde joke ever.