OK, Folks, you know the drill. Allright everyone, let’s gather in front of our large, 13″, Black and White TV set, and watch as a tall, lanky man in a khaki uniform strides out accompanied with a bevy of beautiful birthday girls, introduces himself as Sheriff John, pulls out his accordion, and says “This song is for you, [assignment: name]:”. They all sing:
Happy birthday Ivy, you’re pretty as a girl can be
The boys have gonorrhea, now they burn for you each time they pee
Happy birthday Ivy, you are the special birthday bitch
We go you some vagisil to help clear up that nasty itch
What the hell, the bed’s still warm cause Ivy never sleeps alone.
Same old gift from different givers, throw the dog another bone!
Happy birthday Ivy, you’re the ugliest of all
You are the worst and most perverse to roam Cecilia’s hallowed halls
Your mother was a hooker and your father was a dick
He poked her in a toaster and the pair produced a pig
Whose brain is awfully tiny and whose ass is awfully big
Happy birthday bitch, happy birthday bitch !
Happy birthday Ivy, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch !