OK, Folks, you know the drill. Allright everyone, let’s gather in front of our large, 13″, Black and White TV set, and watch as a tall, lanky man in a khaki uniform strides out, introduces himself as Sheriff John, and pulls out his electric guitar. He plugs it into the amp, and starts singing today’s birthday song for [assignment: name]:
∰
Allright, Ralph…happy birthday…you freak…
You’re breakin’ hearts and you’re breakin’ guitars
Today’s your birthday and you don’t even know how old you are
You’re in love with every woman from tyler
You went swimming in the ocean with my goddamn dialer
You used to be fat, I think then I liked you best
‘Cuz now you’re skinny, I’m chubby,
And you make fun of my breasts
And I’m sorry, but this may sound weird
But you gotta do something ’bout the food in your beard
Chorus: Happy birthday, Ralph
I love you
Even though you are fuckin’ disgusting
Happy birthday, Ralph
I love you
Even though you are fuckin’ disgusting
You can’t wear your bike hat because of your hair
Wherever you go, you break everything everywhere
This year, sixth gear, now get on your way
(Shut off the stereo chorus, and the digital delay.)
Some people, they think, they think you’re
Rhastafarian
And they ask you for pot
I think I like it, I know I like it
I like it a lot because, because it pisses you off
So for your birthday
I got you some hawaiian punch on tap
Age p.o.t.
So now you can stop borrowing my stuff
And trying your new Kung Fu moves out on me
Chorus: Happy birthday, Ralph
I love you
Even though you are fuckin’ disgusting
Happy birthday, Ralph
I love you
Even though you are fuckin’ disgusting
You can’t wear your bike hat because of your hair
Wherever you go, you break everything everywhere
This year, sixth gear, now get on your way
(Shut off the stereo chorus, and the digital delay.)
Happy birthday, Ralph, I love you
Even though you have a beard (are fuckin’)
Happy birthday, Ralph, I love you
Even though you are perverted and weird
Happy birthday, Ralph, I love you
∰
The Sheriff looks mildly disturbed after singing this, and walks off the set, mumbling to himself “kids and their music these days…”
