[Today is Columbus Day, and, FYI, the banks are closed. Thus, it is all together fitting and appropriate to remind people why we do this… to give bankers 3-day weekends :-)]
In 1961, the humorist Stan Freberg issued Volume 1 of The United States of America, a musical telling of the founding of America through the Battle of Yorktown (Volume 2 goes through the end of World War I (“They’ll never be another war…”)). The first scene on Volume 1 relates the story of how the Indians discovered Columbus. As today is Columbus Day, I present a transcription of the scene:
NARR: 1492, Madrid. The Queen of Spain grants an audience COLUMBUS (CC): Allright, we’ll go over it once again. First QUEEN ISABELLA (QI): You say you’ll send for me, dahling, CC: Look, we’ve been all through this before. QI: I know, but really, you’re such a dreamer. You’ll go CC: I will not! QI: You’re such a charming boy, dahling. Why don’t you CC: I don’t want a Fiat agency! QI: Then why don’t you go to art school like your friend, CC: If Lenny wants to starve to death, that’s up to Lenny. ANNOUNCE: His Majesty, King Ferdinand. QI: (gasp) The King. QI: Good afternoon dear. How was the inquisition? Amusing? KING FERDINAND (KF): Dullsville. Same old… say, who’s KF: You mean old “round, round world”. (laughs). You and QI: Crazy? I’ll tell you how crazy. He’s a man with a CC & KF: (fruited) QI: Fruited. He holds these grieves to be self-evident, CC: Is that moving? Was that a great bit? CC: I didthey bought “The Price is Right” CC: Then I have your permission to sail? KF: Would you get out of here? (footsteps) Strange, he left (on ship) 1st Mate: Admiral Columbus, sir. The men are KF: I still can’t see what you needed three ships for? CC: Really? KF: Come over here and listen Crew: Rumble. Rumble. Rumble. Mutiny. Mutiny. Mutiny. CC: I see what you mean. I’ll jump up here on the rigging CC: Now hear this! This is the Admiral speaking. I know the KF: Who can blame them! The whole thing is madness! I don’t KF: I tell you the world is flat, and that’s that! CC: It’s a round, round world KF: Flat Flat world CC: Friend, Get hip KF: It’s a miracle if it is CC: Square, square king Crew: Yo, ho, ho and a Dramamine |
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CC: Round, round world It’s a round, round world I contend it’s round And it’s gonna be found When all the results are in It’s a round world now And it’s always been |
KF: All week long on a hardtack bun Brother, who said getting there is Half the fun (breath) Give up my throne for one Navy Bean No wonder I’m turning three shades of green How could I go on such a loony trip |
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CC: Get hip Would I climb aboard this ship If I didn’t have odds The earth was highly spherical |
Crew: Crazy kind of scheme It’s a cockamamy dream If we don’t sight land we’re gonna scream |
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KF: It’s a miracle if it is | ||
CC: Square, square crew You’re a square, square crew If you don’t believe |
Crew: Yo, ho, ho through the wind and rain There’s a typhoon coming up But where’s John Wayne? |
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CC: You’re gonna receive The shock of your salty lives When I take command in the name of… |
KF: I feel like a red witch Having a wake How much of the ocean bit do you think I can take Claim that land in the name of… |
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CC: Isabella and Ferdnand KF: Well, for all our sakes, I hope that… KF: What was that? CC: Quickly, hand me the glass. |
KF: Allright, allright, give the kid top billing. KF: Watch yourself Admiral. Natives. They may be CC: Yeah, I suppose. (pause) Well, my men and I were CC: No, no, what you’re holding in your hand. IC: You have a dream? IC: Hmmm. CC: Now right here would be a good location for the |
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CC: Round, round world It’s a newfound world And the land looks good Like a continent should Complete with a flag unfurled |
Indians: Yo, ho, ho and a buckskin sleeve Now the white man’s here I guess It’s time to leave But why go to war and fight like a jerk Perhaps we can pick up some kind of work In an Indian extravaganza Wyatt Earp or Bonanza |
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CC: Please don’t call us, we’ll call you |