Month: January 2008

Today is… Oh, Never Mind

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

Today would have been National Gorilla Suit Day, however, last November, mark_evanier indicated that Don Martin’s widow had asked him not to mention him or his holiday. So, in celebration of the fact that today is Not National Gorilla Suit Day, please do not wear your gorilla suit. Keep it in the closet for another holiday.

However, do remember that not all gorilla suits look like gorilla suits, and although you might dress up a monkey, at heart, he’s still a chimp monkey. I’m sure we were all reminded of this earlier this week with the unimpressive State of the Union address. And so, in honor of chimps monkeys in suits everywhere, we present this song from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels:

Dress up a monkey in Armani,
He may seem precocious and cute.
Despite all that primpin’,
You still got a chimp in
a suit.

Teach him the second Verse of “Swanee”
And most of “Moon River” to boot.
Sure people will gape
But you still got an ape
in a suit.

Shprizt him ’til wet
With the Eau de Toilette
And you’re still gonna get
A stench.

Dampen him well
In a quart of Chanel,
It won’t cover the smell.
I should know, I’m French!

     Take him to see Don Giovanni,
Show him Cezanne’s lovely fruit,
Teach him to cook from Escoffier’s book,
He’s still a gorilla en croute
You still got a chimp in a suit.

So you’ve shaved off his fur,
Decked him out in couture
And endowed him with pure
Saviour Fare
You dressed him up fancy
And trained him to dance, he
Remains a chimpan-cee,
He’s not Fred Astaire!

Give him a dandy little topper,
Tie on a natty cravat
Buy him a castle,
He’ll still be an asshole
And nothing you do will change that
He’s still just a stinky little minkey
In a dinky little suit

And a cheap little hat!
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Birthday Wishes for shutterbug93

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

OK, Folks, you know the drill. Allright everyone, let’s gather in front of our large, 13″, Black and White TV set, and watch as a tall, lanky man in a khaki uniform strides out and introduces himself as Sheriff John. He then pulls out his electric guitar, and says, “Happy Birthday, shutterbug93! This song, from the musical tick… tick… Boom!, is for you”. He then sings:

Stop the clock
Take time out
Time to regroup
Before you lose the bout
Face the thrill
Back it up
Time to refocus
Before they lap it up

Years are getting shorter
The lines on your face are getting longer
Feel like you’re treading water
But the riptide’s getting stronger
Don’t panic, don’t jump ship
Can’t fight it, like taxes
At least it happens
Only once in your life

They’re singing, “Happy Birthday”
You just wanna lay down and cry
Not just another birthday, it’s 30/90
Why can’t you stay 29
Hell, you still feel like you’re 22
Turn 30 in 1990
Bang! You’re dead. What can you do?
What can you do?
What can you do?

Clear the runway
Make another pass
Try one more hook
Before you’re out of gas
Friends are getting fatter
Hairs on you head are getting thinner
Feel like a clean up batter
On a team that ain’t a winner

Don’t freak out, don’t strike out
Can’t fight it, like City Hall
At least you’re not alone
Your friends are there too

          They’re singing, “Happy Birthday”
You just wish you could run away
Who cares about a birthday?
But 30/90, hey

Can’t you be optimistic?
You’re no longer eons of you
Turn 30, 1990
Voom! You’re passe
What can you do?

Peter Pan and Tinkerbell
Which way to Never Never Land?
Emerald City’s gone to hell
Since the wizard blew off his command

On the streets you hear the voices
Lost children, crocodiles
But you’re not into
Making choices, wicked witches,
Poppy fields, or men behind the curtains,
Tiger lilies, ruby slippers
Clock is ticking, that’s for certain

They’re singing, “Happy Birthday”
I just wish it all were a dream
It feels much more like doomsday
What 30/90 seems

I’m dying for a twister
I don’t see a rainbow, do you?
Turn 30 into 90
Look into my hands now
What the ball has passed
I want the spoils, but not too fast
The world is falling
It’s now or neverland
Why can’t I stay till
The forever end?
30/90. 30/90. 30/90. 30/90. 30/90. 30/90.
What can I do? What can I do?

[Watch this space! This weekend I’ll be posting the 4th Annual Birthday Poll. But you can still make an entry in the 3rd Annual Birthday Poll: it is your way to make sure that the Sheriff sings the song you want. Please feel free to suggest new songs as well. Oh, and if you want the birdie to be able to inform the Sheriff about your birthday, you need to make sure your birth month and day is in your profile, and it is visible to your friends]

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This Entry Has An Eyeball Surcharge of 2c per Eyeball

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

Today’s Los Angeles Times has an article about how fuel surcharges are driving up the effective price of a ticket. They cite examples of a round-trip Tokyo where the fare is $400… but the fuel surcharge is almost $300! As I read the article I got more and more upset. Hence… this post.

To me, this reflects the growing “fee”-ification of society. You buy a ticket on Goldstar… and the ticket is $17 + 4.50 in fees. You buy it on Ticketmaster, and the fees are sometimes more than the ticket itself. We have fuel charges, we have all sorts of fees and stuff on our phone bills. Nowadays, no price is complete without its set of fees.

When I learned business, I was taught that the price for doing a service should reflect your cost for the service, plus profit. Fees that are resentative of the cost for the service provider should be part of the fee (I’ll make an exception for government imposed charges). Anything else is just an artifice for advertising purposes that permits you to promote your price as lower than what the consumer sees out the door.

So what do you think? Do you think this “fee”-ification of society is getting ridiculous?

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Birthday Wishes for estherchaya

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

OK, Folks, you know the drill. Allright everyone, let’s gather in front of our large, 13″, Black and White TV set, and join Sheriff John in singing the Birthday Cake Polka for estherchaya… but wait… the Sheriff’s not on today. Instead, we have a funny looking group of three guys, and they are singing:

Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun

And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song

Happy birthday!
Now you’re one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn’t over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn’t die this year
I guess that’s good enough

 So let’s drink to your fading health
And hope you don’t remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year

Does it feel like you’re doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer

Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You’re starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It’s downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone

 If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice

But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn’t ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might

Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life’s so sad it’s funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake

[Yes, it’s here. The 3rd Annual Birthday Poll. So, if you want to make sure that the Sheriff sings the song you want, please fill out the poll. I’ll note the new poll will be out next week, so feel free to suggest new songs as well. Oh, and if you want the birdie to be able to inform the Sheriff about your birthday, you need to make sure your birth month and day is in your profile, and it is visible to your friends]

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Some tidbits from the news, plus a few other things…

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

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