Tag: freberg

[Today is Columbus Day, and, FYI, the banks are closed. Thus, it is all together fitting and appropriate to remind people why we do this… to give bankers 3-day weekends :-)]

In 1961, the humorist Stan Freberg issued Volume 1 of The United States of America, a musical telling of the founding of America through the Battle of Yorktown (Volume 2 goes through the end of World War I (“They’ll never be another war…”)). The first scene on Volume 1 relates the story of how the Indians discovered Columbus. As today is Columbus Day, I present a transcription of the scene:

NARR: 1492, Madrid. The Queen of Spain grants an audience to an obscure Italian sailor. There, in her chambers, plans are made destined to change the course of history.
COLUMBUS (CC): Alright, we’ll go over it once again. First you hock the jewels, you give me the money and I buy the ships. Then I discover the new world, you dump the king, and I’ll send for you.
QUEEN ISABELLA (QI): You say you’ll send for me, dahling, but will you?
CC: Look, we’ve been all through this before.
QI: I know, but really, you’re such a dreamer. You’ll go out there and sail right off the end of the world.
CC: I will not!
QI: You’re such a charming boy, dahling. Why don’t you forget all this? I’ll set you up with a nice little Fiat agency over in West Barcelona.
CC: I don’t want a Fiat agency!
QI: Then why don’t you go to art school like your friend, Da Vinci? I’ll put you through.
CC: If Lenny wants to starve to death, that’s up to Lenny. Me, I want to discover the new world, carry out my dream. (trumpet fanfare)

ANNOUNCE: His Majesty, King Ferdinand.

QI: (gasp) The King.
CC: Oh, sure, he’ll be at the inquisition all afternoon.
QI: Time just slipped away. Quickly, take the jewels and go, over the balcony. (door opens)
CC: Too late.

QI: Good afternoon dear. How was the inquisition? Amusing?
KING FERDINAND (KF): Dullsville. Same old… say, who’s that?
QI: You remember Christopher Columbus.
KF: You mean old “round, round world”. (laughs). You and your Bohemian friends.
QI: He’s not Bohemian, he’s Italian.
KF: Italian, Bohemian. Look at him in that hat. Is that a crazy sailor?

QI: Crazy? I’ll tell you how crazy. He’s a man with a dream, a vision. A vision of a new world, whose alabaster cities gleam, undimmed by human tears. With purple mountains magestied above the 2 cents plain
CC & KF: (fruited)
QI: Fruited. He holds these griefs to be self-evident, this “round, round world” with Indians and justice for all. Let us then go forward together toward Miami Beach, so that the dream of this crazy Italian boy, indivisible, should not perish from the map. (cheers from crowd)

CC: Is that moving? Was that a great bit?
KF: I always said this girl had a lot of…Wait a minute! I ask a simple question, I get a pageant. Why should Spain sponsor you? Why don’t you go to Portugal?

CC: I did—they bought “The Price is Right”
KF: Oh.

CC: Then I have your permission to sail?
KF: Have you had your shots?
CC: I have.
KF: Permission granted.
CC: Gracias. Areva Derchi
KF: Hasta La Vista
QI: Adios (Mariachi band: Adios Muchachos, Compañareros)

KF: Would you get out of here? (footsteps) Strange, he left by the balcony.
QI: Force of habit I guess.
KF: Yeah, yeah, how’s that again.
QI: Nothing.
KF: Isabella? When are you going to quit fooling around with these nuts?

(on ship) 1st Mate: Admiral Columbus, sir. The men are weary, on the point of madness.
CC: Well, that’s the trouble with labor today. Don’t they realize we’re going to discover the New World?
KF: You’ve been saying that for the last 57 days.
CC: Nobody forced you to come along, your Majesty.
KF: My doctor told me I should go to Florida for the winter.

KF: I still can’t see what you needed three ships for?
CC: I got a better deal on the fleet rate.
KF: I’ll accept that. But we better sight land soon, there’s rumblings of mutiny.
CC: Really?
KF: Come over here and listen

Crew: Rumble. Rumble. Rumble. Mutiny. Mutiny. Mutiny.

CC: I see what you mean. I’ll jump up here on the rigging and speak to them.
KF: You mean on top of everything else this ship is rigged?

CC: Now hear this! This is the Admiral speaking. I know the going has been rough, but if you can just hold out a little while.
Crew: (rumble rumble)
CC: Stop that rumbling down there.
KF: Who can blame them! The whole thing is madness! I don’t like the way the crew is acting!
CC: You’re overplaying it a little bit yourself there.
KF: I tell you the world is flat, and that’s that!
CC: It’s round as your hat!
KF: It’s flat as your head!
CC: It’s round!
KF: It’s flat!

CC: It’s a round, round world
It’s a round, round world

I contend it’s round,
and it’s gonna be found
When all the results are in
It’s a round world now and it’s always been

KF: Flat Flat world
It’s a flat, flat world
I insist it’s flat as a welcoming mat
And he’s sailing off the end
How about our crazy Itralian friend?

CC: Friend, Get hip
Would I climb aboard this ship
If I didn’t have odds the earth was highly spherical

KF: It’s a miracle if it is

CC: Square, square king
You’re a square, square king
If you don’t believe
You’re gonna receive
The shock of your royal life
When the ship pulls in at Miami…

Crew: Yo, ho, ho and a Dramamine
We are loyal subjects of the king and queen
But what kind of nut would you have to be
To borrow a ship and put out to sea
When you don’t know what’s on the other side

[Simultaneously:]

KF: All week long on a hardtack bun
Brother, who said getting there is half the fun
Give up my throne for one Navy Bean
No wonder I’m turning three shades of green
How could I go on such a loony trip

CC: Round, round world
It’s a round, round world
I contend it’s round
And it’s gonna be found
When all the results are in
It’s a round world now
And it’s always been

[Simultaneously:]

Crew: Crazy kind of scheme
It’s a cockamamie dream
If we don’t sight land we’re gonna scream

CC: Get hip
Would I climb aboard this ship
If I didn’t have odds
The earth was highly spherical

KF: It’s a miracle if it is

[Simultaneously:]

Crew: Yo, ho, ho through the wind and rain
There’s a typhoon coming up
But where’s John Wayne?

CC: Square, square crew
You’re a square, square crew

[Simultaneously:]

CC: If you don’t believe
You’re gonna receive
The shock of your salty lives
When I take command in the name of…

KF: I feel like a red witch having a wake
How much of the ocean bit do you think I can take
Claim that land in the name of…

CC: Isabella and Ferdinand
KF: That’s Ferdinand and Isabella:

Both: New rulers of this round, round world
Crew: Crazy kind of scheme, It’s a cockamamie dream, but we hope that’s its a round, round world.

KF: Well, for all our sakes, I hope that…
Lookout: Land Ho! (horn fanfare)

KF: What was that?
CC: French horns.
KF: No, before that.
CC: It was the lookout, he sighted land.

Crew: Hurray

CC: Quickly, hand me the glass.
KF: Alright.
CC: No, no, the other one.
KF: Oh? (pause) Oh. (sound of wine pouring)
CC: To the New World!
KF: Likewise (clink)

KF: Alright, alright, give the kid top billing.
CC: I claim this land in the name of Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain.
Indian Chief (IC): How?
CC: Well, first I stick the flag in the sand, and then I…
KF: Watch yourself Admiral. Natives. They may be hostile.
CC: Well, we’re all a little hostile now and then. Some of us are able to sublimate. Others can’t adjust. You know how it is.
KF: I know, but you better try to talk to him.
CC: Alright. Hello there. Hello there. We white man. Other side of ocean. My name, Christopher Columbus.
IC: Oh, you over here on a Fulbright?
CC: No, no. I’m over here on an Isabella, as a matter of fact. Which reminds me. I want to take a few of you guys back on the boat to prove I discovered you.
IC: What you mean discover us? We discover you.
CC: You discovered us?
IC: Certainly, we discover you on beach here. Is all how you look at it.
CC: Yeah, I suppose. (pause) Well, my men and I were wondering if you could spare a little food.
IC: What kind num-nums you want?
CC: What is that strange looking plant you’re holding there, with the little yellow kernels?
IC: You mean this? (trumpet fanfare)
CC: Yes, what is that?
IC: French horns.

CC: No, no, what you’re holding in your hand.
IC: Oh, corn.
CC: That’s what I thought it was. What else you got to eat around here?
IC: Berries, herbs, natural fruits, and organically grown vegetables.
CC: Just as I suspected. What kind of a diet is that! That’s why I’ve come here, to fulfill my dream.

IC: You have a dream?
CC: Yes I do.
IC: Would you like to talk about it?
CC: I certainly would. My dream is to open the first Italian restaurant in your country. Give you some real
food: starches, spaghetti, cholesterol, … all the better things. That’s called progress.
IC: Hmmm.

CC: Now right here would be a good location for the restaurant, ocean view and all that. Is there room for a parking lot?
IC: You kidding? Whole country is parking lot.

CC: I suppose. Well, I’d like to put a little deposit down on the property, here…
IC: OK
CC: …I only have a few dubloons on me, so if you direct me to the nearest bank, I’ll get a check cashed.

IC: You out of luck today. Banks closed.
CC: Oh, why?
IC: Columbus Day.
CC: Oh, yeah. (pauses) We going out on that joke?
IC: No, we do reprise of song, that help.
CC & IC: But not much… no…

Simultaneously:

CC: Round, round world
It’s a new found world
And the land looks good
Like a continent should
Complete with a flag unfurled

Indians: Yo, ho, ho and a buckskin sleeve
Now the white man’s here I guess
It’s time to leave
But why go to war and fight like a jerk
Perhaps we can pick up some kind of work

Indians: In an Indian extravaganza
Wyatt Earp or Bonanza

CC: Please don’t call us, we’ll call you

KF: Step aside pal, meet the new
Both: Big cheeses of this round, round world!

Every year I post this on the 4th of July. For all that certain groups purport to know what this country’s founders wanted, I think it is best expressed in the sentiment “life, liberty, and the purſuit of happineſſ”. We still have that, for all the complaints. At times we may not like our leadership, and at times we may be frustrated at how our government is working (or not), but it is still the best system out there. Lastly, as much as I get annoyed at what those on the other side of the political spectrum say, I am still pleased to live somewhere where they have the right to say it. Happy Independence Day!

Narrator: The trouble continued to brew. It was a time for action, a time for words. On a hot July night in 1776, Benjamin Franklin was aroused from his work by the call of destiny.

(door knocks)
Jefferson (J) (faintly): Hey, you in there Ben?
Franklin (F) (grouchily) Who’s that, Sylvia?
Sylvia (S): It’s the call of destiny.
F: C’mon, take a look through the curtains.
S: It’s Tom Jefferson
F: What? Again?
J: Pounds on door harder
F: Well, it’s no good, I’ll have to let him in. (walking to door) I’m coming, I’m coming.

(door opens)
J: Hi, Ben.
F: Tom.
(door closes)
J: You got a minute?
F: To tell you the truth, we were just going out of town for the weekend.
J: But it’s only Wednesday.
F: (signs) Well, you know. A penny saved is a penny earned.
J: (pauses) What does that got to do with anything, Franklin?
F: I don’t know. (chuckles) It’s the first thing that came into my head. I was just making conversation. An idle brain is the devil’s playground, you know.
J: Say, you’re pretty good at that, aren’t you?
F: They’re some new “wise sayings” I just made up.
J: Wise sayings?
F: Yeah, I call ’em “Wise Sayings”.

F: What can I do for you?
J: I’ve got this petition I’ve been circulating around the neighborhood. I kinda’ thought you would like to sign it or something. It’s called a Declaration of Independence.
F: Yeah, I heard about that. Sounds a little suspect if you ask me.
J: What do you mean “suspect”?
F: You’re advocating overthrow of the British government by force and violence, aren’t you?
J: Well, yeah, yeah, but we’ve had it with that royal jazz.
F: Who’s “we”?
J: All the guys.
F: Who’s “all the guys”?
J: George, Jim Madison, Alex Hamilton, Johnny Adams… you know, “all the guys”.
F: Heh, the lunatic fringe.
J: Oh they are not.
F: Bunch of wild-eyed radicals. Professional liberals. Don’t you kid me?
J: You call George Washington a wild-eyed radical?
F: Washington? I don’t see his name on there?
J: Yeah, but he promised to sign it.
F: (laughs) That’s George for you. Talks up a storm with those wooden teeth of his. Can’t shut him off. But when it comes time to put the name on the parchment-o-roonie, try to find him.
J: What are you so surley about today?
F: Surly to bed and surly to rise makes a man…

J: Alright, Alright. Let’s knock off the one-line jokes and sign the petition. What do you say, huh, fellow?
F: Well, let me skim down it here. “When in the course of human events…” so-so-and-so. hmm-hmmm-and-hmmm. “… and that among these are life, liberty, and the purſuit of happineſſ?”
J: That’s “pursuit of happiness”
F: Well all your “S”s look like “F”s
J: It’s stylish. It’s in, it’s very in.
F: Well, if it’s in. (clears throat and continues) “…we therefore, representatives of the United States of America…” so-so-and-so. hmm-mmm-and-hmmm. “…solemnly publish and declare…” hmmm-hmmm-and-hmmm. “…and there absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown.” And so on.

F: A little overboard, isn’t it?
J: Well, uh?
F: You write this?
J: Yeah, I knocked it out. It’s just a first draft.
F: Why don’t you leave it with me, and I’ll mail it in?
J: C’mon.
F: I’ll tell you Tom, I’m with you in spirit. I’m sure you understand that, but I got to play it conservative. I’m a businessman. I got the printing business going pretty good. Almanac made book of the month. I’ve got the inventions. I’ve got pretty good distribution on the stove. And, of course, every Saturday evening, I bring out the “mag”.
J: The what?
F: “magazine”
J: Oh. That reminds me. That artist I sent by, did you look at his stuff?
F: The Rockwell boy? Skinny kid with the pipe?
J: Yeah, that’s the kid.
F: I glanced at it. Too far out for me.
J: Yeah, I know you gotta play it safe. But getting back to the signing of the petition, how about it, huh?
F: Well, uh.
J: It’s a harmless paper.
F: Oh sure, harmless. I know how these things happen. You go to a couple of harmless parties, sign a harmless petition, and forget all about it. Ten years later, you get hauled up before a committee. No, thank you, I’m not going to spend the rest of my life writing in Europe.
J: Ah, c’mon.
F: C’mon what?

(bell note)
J: C’mon and put your name on the dotted line.
F: I got to be particular what I sign.
J: It’s just a piece of paper.
F: Just a piece of paper, that’s what you say.

J: C’mon and put your signature on the list.
F: It looks to have a very subversive twist.
J: How silly to assume it
J: Won’t you nom de plume it,
J: today?

J: You’re so skittish? Who possibly could care if you do?
F: The Un-British Activities Committee, that’s who?

J: Let’s have a little drink-o and fill the quill.
F: It sounds a little pinko to me, but still…
J: Knock off the timid manner
J: If you want a banner, to raise.
F: (banner to raise)

J: You must take (F: I must take)
J: A stand (F: a stand)
J: For this brave (F: for this brave)
J: New land (F: new land)
J: For who wants (F: who wants)
J: To live (F: to live)
J: So conser- (F: so conser-)
J: vative? (F: vative)

F: I don’t dis- (J: he don’t dis)
F: agree, (J: agree)
J and F: but a man can’t be too careful what he signs these days.

(musical flourish, and the song ends)

F: Well, if I sign it, will you renew your subscription?
J: If you promise not to keep throwing it on the roof. If it isn’t on the roof, it’s in the rosebushes or in the mud.
F: My eyesight isn’t what it used to be, you know. Besides, it’s hard to hit the porch from a horse.
J: C’mon, all we want to do is hold a few truths to be self-evident.
F: You’re sure it’s not going to start a revolution or anything?
J: Trust me.
F: OK, give it to me. You got a quill on you?
J: Here you go.
F: Look at this showoff “Hancock”. Pretty flamboyant signature for an insurance man. (signs it)
J: You did a good thing, Ben. You won’t be sorry. Now if I can just get another three or four guys, we’ll be all set.
F: I’ll tell you one thing…
J: What’s that?
F: You better get them to sign it in the next couple of days, before they all take off for the Fourth of July weekend.

[Today is Columbus Day, and, FYI, the banks are closed. Thus, it is all together fitting and appropriate to remind people why we do this… to give bankers 3-day weekends :-)]

In 1961, the humorist Stan Freberg issued Volume 1 of The United States of America, a musical telling of the founding of America through the Battle of Yorktown (Volume 2 goes through the end of World War I (“They’ll never be another war…”)). The first scene on Volume 1 relates the story of how the Indians discovered Columbus. As today is Columbus Day, I present a transcription of the scene:

Read More …

Every year I post this on the 4th of July. For all that certain groups purport to know what this country’s founders wanted, I think it is best expressed in the sentiment “life, liberty, and the purfuit of happineff”. We still have that, for all the complaints. At times we may not like our leadership, and at times we may be frustrated at how our government is working (or not), but it is still the best system out there. Lastly, as much as I get annoyed at what those on the other side of the political spectrum say, I am still pleased to live somewhere where they have the right to say it. Happy Independence Day!

Narrator: The trouble continued to brew. It was a time for action, a time for words. On a hot July night in 1776, Benjamin Franklin was aroused from his work by the call of destiny.

(door knocks)
Jefferson (J) (faintly): Hey, you in there Ben?
Franklin (F) (grouchily) Who’s that, Sylvia?
Sylvia (S): It’s the call of destiny.
F: C’mon, take a look through the curtains.
S: It’s Tom Jefferson
F: What? Again?
J: Pounds on door harder
F: Well, it’s no good, I’ll have to let him in. (walking to door) I’m coming, I’m coming.

(door opens)
J: Hi, Ben.
F: Tom.
(door closes)
J: You got a minute?
F: To tell you the truth, we were just going out of town for the weekend.
J: But it’s only Wednesday.
F: (signs) Well, you know. A penny saved is a penny earned.
J: (pauses) What does that got to do with anything, Franklin?
F: I don’t know. (chuckles) It’s the first thing that came into my head. I was just making conversation. An idle brain is the devil’s playground, you know.
J: Say, you’re pretty good at that, aren’t you?
F: They’re some new “wise sayings” I just made up.
J: Wise sayings?
F: Yeah, I call ’em “Wise Sayings”.

F: What can I do for you?
J: I’ve got this petition I’ve been circulating around the neighborhood. I kinda’ thought you would like to sign it or something. It’s called a Declaration of Independence.
F: Yeah, I heard about that. Sounds a little suspect if you ask me.
J: What do you mean “suspect”?
F: You’re advocating overthrow of the British government by force and violence, aren’t you?
J: Well, yeah, yeah, but we’ve had it with that royal jazz.
F: Who’se “we”?
J: All the guys.
F: Who’s “all the guys”?
J: George, Jim Madison, Alex Hamilton, Johnny Adams… you know, “all the guys”.
F: Heh, the lunatic fringe.
J: Oh they are not.
F: Bunch of wild-eyed radicals. Professional liberals. Don’t you kid me?
J: You call George Washington a wild-eyed radical?
F: Washington? I don’t see his name on there?
J: Yeah, but he promised to sign it.
F: (laughs) That’s George for you. Talks up a storm with those wooden teeth of his. Can’t shut him off. But when it comes time to put the name on the parchment-o-roonie, try to find him.
J: What are you so surley about today?
F: Surley to bed and surley to rise makes a man…

J: Allright, Allright. Let’s knock off the one-line jokes and sign the petition. What do you say, huh, fellow?
F: Well, let me skim down it here. “When in the course of human events…” so-so-and-so. hmm-hmmm-and-hmmm. “… and that among these are life, liberty, and the purfuit of happineff?”
J: That’s “pursuit of happiness”
F: Well all your “S”s look like “F”s
J: It’s stylish. It’s in, it’s very in.
F: Well, if it’s in. (clears throat and continues) “…we therefore, representatives of the United States of America…” so-so-and-so. hmm-mmm-and-hmmm. “…solemnly publish and declare…” hmmm-hmmm-and-hmmm. “…and there absolved from all allegance to the British Crown.” And so on.

F: A little overboard, isn’t it?
J: Well, uh?
F: You write this?
J: Yeah, I knocked it out. It’s just a first draft.
F: Why don’t you leave it with me, and I’ll mail it in?
J: C’mon.
F: I’ll tell you Tom, I’m with you in spirit. I’m sure you understand that, but I got to play it conservative. I’m a businessman. I got the printing business going pretty good. Almanac made book of the month. I’ve got the inventions. I’ve got pretty good distribution on the stove. And, of course, every Saturday evening, I bring out the “mag”.
J: The what?
F: “magazine”
J: Oh. That reminds me. That artist I sent by, did you look at his stuff?
F: The Rockwell boy? Skinny kid with the pipe?
J: Yeah, that’s the kid.
F: I glanced at it. Too far out for me.
J: Yeah, I know you gotta play it safe. But getting back to the signing of the petition, how about it, huh?
F: Well, uh.
J: It’s a harmless paper.
F: Oh sure, harmless. I know how these things happen. You go to a couple of harmless parties, sign a harmless petition, and forget all about it. Ten years later, you get hauled up before a committee. No, thank you, I’m not going to spend the rest of my life writing in Europe.
J: Ah, c’mon.
F: C’mon what?

(bell note)
J: C’mon and put your name on the dotted line.
F: I got to be particular what I sign.
J: It’s just a piece of paper.
F: Just a piece of paper, that’s what you say.

J: C’mon and put your signature on the list.
F: It looks to have a very subversive twist.
J: How silly to assume it
J: Won’t you nom de plume it,
J: today?

J: You’re so skittish? Who possibly could care if you do?
F: The Un-British Activities Committee, that’s who?

J: Let’s have a little drink-o and fill the quill.
F: It sounds a little pinko to me, but still…
J: Knock off the timid manner
J: If you want a banner, to raise.
F: (banner to raise)

J: You must take (F: I must take)
J: A stand (F: a stand)
J: For this brave (F: for this brave)
J: New land (F: new land)
J: For who wants (F: who wants)
J: To live (F: to live)
J: So conser- (F: so conser-)
J: vative? (F: vative)

F: I don’t dis- (J: he don’t dis)
F: agree, (J: agree)
J and F: but a man can’t be too careful what he signs these days.

(musical flourish, and the song ends)

F: Well, if I sign it, will you renew your subscription?
J: If you promise not to keep throwing it on the roof. If it isn’t on the roof, it’s in the rosebushes or in the mud.
F: My eyesight isn’t what it used to be, you know. Besides, it’s hard to hit the porch from a horse.
J: C’mon, all we want to do is hold a few truths to be self-evident.
F: You’re sure it’s not going to start a revolution or anything?
J: Trust me.
F: OK, give it to me. You got a quill on you?
J: Here you go.
F: Look at this showoff “Hancock”. Pretty flamboyant signature for an insurance man. (signs it)
J: You did a good thing, Ben. You won’t be sorry. Now if I can just get another three or four guys, we’ll be all set.
F: I’ll tell you one thing…
J: What’s that?
F: You better get them to sign it in the next couple of days, before they all take off for the Fourth of July weekend.