Tag: humor

Microsoft: Working for Better Software

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

You all know that Vista is working to provide better security, as demonstrated by this Mac commercial. You may not know where it came from. Perhaps, this video, from Microsoft UK, about the WE-SYP feature, will explain it:

Microsoft describes it as: “Windows Server reliability advances are the result of a continuous process of improvement that began with the release of Windows NT Server. But to be effective, the engineering process needs to evolve and be connected directly to the customer in real time. We can then improve the overall customer experience by collecting, analyzing, and responding to customer problems & feedback as it is generated in real-time. Project ‘WSYP’ is a bold step in that direction – some call it a ‘drastic’ measure. It is however a promising technique!”

You can download the presentation from Microsoft here.

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Do You Have The Heart For It?

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

I hold your hand in mine, dear
I press it to my lips
I take a healthy bite from
your dainty fingertips.

My joy would be complete, dear
If you were only here.
But still I keep your hand
As a precious souvenir.


In news that echos the famous Tom Lehrer song, the San Francisco Chronicle is reporting that San Mateo County coroner is hot water after retaining the heart of Nicholas Picon after an autopsy. Nicholas, you see, died from an undetected heart defect last fall, and the San Mateo County coroner kept his heart after his autopsy. It is one of 105 organs the San Mateo coroner has kept from about 1,800 autopsies since 2004. All of this is perfectly legal, for there is a little-known state law that allows authorities to keep body parts after autopsies without notifying relatives.

Here’s what I think is the excessively creepy part. His parents (who have gotten the heart returned) maintain a three-tiered glass case in their home that holds mementos of Nicholas: his black baseball cap, his Jimi Hendrix tie and photos of him with his guitar and with his family. The couple keeps his heart in a polished, inlaid wooden box in their bedroom.

At least it’s not a chicken heart. We all know how dangerous those (thump-thump, thump-thump) can be.

All together now…

The night you died I cut it off,
I really don’t know why.
For now each time I kiss it,
I get bloodstains on my tie.

I’m sorry now I killed you,,
For our love was something fine!
Until they come to get me,
I shall hold your hand in mine!


Wait, what’s at the door? Hello. (thump-thump, thump-thump) Aaaagh! (gulp).

And the chicken heart grew….

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What Are You Wearing Today?

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy


Today is National Gorilla Suit Day. National Gorilla Suit Day was invented by “Mad’s Maddest Artist” (i.e., the weirdest of all the cartoonists in Mad Magazine), Don Martin…and maybe also by E. Solomon Rosenblum, a writer who collaborated with him on the 1964 paperback book, Don Martin Bounces Back! To celebrate National Gorilla Suit Day, the tradition is to dress up in a gorilla suit and make a door-to-door trek around the neighborhood. But as Fester Bestertester noted, “Everybody knows it’s just a ploy by the gorilla suit companies to sell their products!”

Oh, and if you were curious about the theme song for National Gorilla Suit Day, you can either sing “A Monkey In A Suit” from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, or watch this:

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(meme) Twelve Days of Livejournal

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

OK, I normally don’t do posts regarding “The Other December Holiday” (is that like “The Other White Meat”?). But these two are so cute, I just couldn’t resist…

[snarfed from usqueba]

On the twelfth day of Chanukkah, cahwyguy sent to me…

Twelve subways gardening
Eleven trolleys learning
Ten caltrans a-roadgeeking
Nine boardgames gaming
Eight highways a-boardgaming
Seven streetcars a-singing
Six freeways a-cross-stiching
Five ma-a-a-ason williams
Four strategy games
Three fountain pens
Two mel brooks
…and an acsac in a genealogy.
Get your own Twelve Days:

Of course, if you don’t like those 12 Days, you can always let the DoD do the job for you… (snarfed from mortuus):

The Department of Defense 12 Days of Christmas

The president has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas. Status of acquisitions follows:

Day 1– Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command’s area of responsibility and has discussions and repeated Ops Deps tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

Day 2 – Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 – Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 – Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 – Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

Day 6 – Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 – Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have died trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.

Day 8 – Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

Day 9 – Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Association.” Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women’s clothing as long as they’re off duty.

Day 10 – Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a “NEO-off” competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 – Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 – Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 08.

As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

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Remembering the 1980s

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

Back in the late 1970s, when I was in the UCLA Computer Club, a very odd book showed up that I didn’t appreciate at the time, The 80s: A Look Back at the Tumultuous Decade 1980-1989. This book, written by the National Lampoon crowd, was written from the late 1970s perspective of what happened during the 1980s.

So lets all think back to the 1980s. Do you remember when…

  • In response to the key role of New Orleans in the 1980 victory of the Kennedy-Carter ticket, President-Elect Edward Kennedy promise to “give Senator Russell Long anything it is within my body to give” proved his undoing. Just before the election, when Long needed an emergency liver transplant, Kennedy (after consulting with Dr. Alan Bakke) offered to donate his own liver. Twelve hours later, the nation learned the president would never drink or drive again. Bakke was later heard to say “It’s two kidney’s, one liver”.
  • The three network system died, with first NBC being buried by low ratings after the “Hippie Days” debacle, and CBS merging into ABC after a Watergate style incident when they stole scripts. ABC later hit a 100% share and 100% audience with the sitcom, “The Neilsen Family”.
  • The fantastic musical production from Mike Curb, 1984!, starring Lief Garrett, Tracy Austin, and Marlo Brando as “Big Brother”, with music and lyrics by the Gibb Brothers, rat choreography by Twyla Tharp, and direction by Margaret Trudeau.
  • When the UK was sold to Disney, being reborn as “The United Magic Kingdom”. Northern Ireland had been previously sold off in 1981 to a consortium known as the United Barflies of America, and promptly renamed “The Greatest Goddam Little Piece of Heaven on God’s Goddam Earth”.
  • When Italy accepted reality and accepted hostages as currency.
  • The 1988 Albanian World’s Fair, with the International Hall of Sheep Diseases and the International Hall of Huts.
  • December 6, 1985, when the worldwide glut of oil was revealed, and the price of oil dropped to 10c/barrel. The Arab community promptly announced a jihad.
  • How ethics rules resulted in the 1982 Congress of Nuts, which passed bills such as the Mastrielli-Donnell Acts of 1983, requiring that the dollar be backed with cheese, or the Regulated Objects Act of 1983, which made possession by an individual or household of more than 1,000ft of twine, string, rope, or cord a criminal offense, and required the registration of all magnets.
  • The Second Continental Congress, and the new Bill of Rights, such as “No bail in excess of one hundred million dollards shall be required; nor any sentence longer than six thousand years imposed; and any curel or unusal punishment inflicted must be televised.”
  • The “International Year of the Simultaneous Orgasm” in 1983, which shifted the Earth’s polar axis 4.2degrees.

Yup, those were the days.

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You out of luck today. Banks closed.

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

[Today is Columbus Day (Observered); Thursday is the real Columbus Day. As it is today that the banks are closed, it is all together fitting and appropriate to remind people why we do this… to give bankers 3-day weekends :-)]

In 1961, the humorist Stan Freberg issued Volume 1 of The United States of America, a musical telling of the founding of America through the Battle of Yorktown (Volume 2 goes through the end of World War I (“They’ll never be another war…”)). The first scene on Volume 1 relates the story of how the Indians discovered Columbus. As today is Columbus Day, I present a transcription of the scene:
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The Terminator

Posted onAuthorcahwyguy

My daughter just called me into the bathroom to kill a spider. As I killed it, I sang:

(grabs TP)
The Itsy-Bitsy spider went up the water spout
Out came the T P and snuffed the spider out
(drops TP into toilet)
Down went the spider, cir-cle-ing the drain.
The Itsy-Bitsy spider, won’t be seen again.

Yes, I can be silly sometimes.

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